Memory

It was all as a dream would be, that morning when Joe Benson woke up without knowing where he was. Still fully clothed, in a room which he sensed should be familiar to him, his only clue to his location was the train ticket in his jacket pocket.

The room was empty except for him. Him and the furniture, of course.

Joe sat up on the sofa and rubbed his head, like a man waking with a hangover. His head had none of the dull ache of a hangover, however, and his mouth was free of the taste of stale alcohol. Joe rubbed his head in sleepiness and confusion, wondering dimly to himself whether this was a dream.

The room was furnished in an unmemorable way; pieces from the 90s that had managed to push their way into the 21^st century sat alongside the anonymously new and the inherited old.

Joe hadn’t completely lost his memory, then; just his sense of place.

He got up and went into the kitchen. Instinct moved him around the room, gathering up the ingredients for breakfast. Working like this on automatic pilot, Joe tried to remember the night before. He tried consciously remembering, and then chasing all thought of remembering from his mind, hoping to catch the memory unawares. Neither method worked. In fact, the further back he tried to remember, the more he realised that every last action that he had performed throughout his life was missing.

He knew his name; he remembered facts about objects and historical events; he knew the names of his parents, his sisters, his best friend; what he couldn’t remember was any of the things he had done. Just the ingrained results of constantly repeated actions, such as making breakfast and how to move around this flat, the location of which he still didn’t recollect.

He took the train ticket from his pocket again. Piccadilly to Euston. Manchester to London. Return. The ticket was the return portion of a trip he had made. He searched his pockets for the other ticket, for the pair to his return journey. He had come back to this flat, a place he presumed was his home, yesterday.

His laptop. Joe put the train ticket down on the kitchen table and returned to the living room. His laptop was in its bag, lying on the floor beside the sofa. He picked it up and took it into the kitchen.

Switching on, he had a momentary panic that he wouldn’t be able to remember any of his passwords. The computer booted up and he opened up his emails. A potted history of people he knew and items he had purchased sat in his inbox. He opened the receipt for his train tickets, and there he found his answer.

He had apparently gone up to Manchester two days before.

He clicked the down arrow to open up the next email. It was a message from someone he didn’t know. Someone new, perhaps, less well ingrained on his memory. Her name was O’Deigh and he had gone to visit her as research for his architecture project. He scrolled through the history of their correspondence, discovering that he was researching his architecture PhD at Westminster. She worked in a former warehouse that had been converted into a museum.

He didn’t remember any of this.

There was a telephone number. He checked his watch. It wasn’t too early to ring. But the three tiny letters alongside the date in the window by the three told him that it was Saturday.

She probably wouldn’t be there.

Joe thought about it for a moment. He didn’t think he could wait until Monday. He didn’t think he could spend a weekend not knowing what might have happened to him up in Manchester.

As far as he knew, he had gone alone. His parents wouldn’t be able to help. His sisters were in other parts of the country. He couldn’t remember the names of anyone else in his department at the University. His memory loss was annoyingly selective.

His wallet was in his pocket. He didn’t have much cash, but he had his credit card and, searching into his memory, he found that he also carried his PIN.

His brain forced the word Oyster into his mind. He looked inside his wallet, then checked his pockets. He found the credit card sized blue plastic ticket in the back pocket of his jeans.

Decision made, Joe left the flat and allowed his legs to carry him to the tube station. The sign by the door said that he was at Ealing Broadway station. Which meant Central Line to Tottenham Court Road and then Northern Line to Euston.

He was taking a risk, he knew, but he had the feeling that returning to Manchester, to the museum he had visited, was his best chance at finding out what had happened to him.

The journey took half an hour. He emerged into Euston station at 11.30. Joining a queue in the ticket hall, Joe tried to remember how long it took to get from London to Manchester. The queue was slow, but as long as it took him to get to the teller, he had no recollection of journey times to the north.

“You’ve just missed one,” the woman said to him, when he asked what time the next train to Manchester would be. “And you’re just about to miss the next one, too.”

“And the one after that?”

“12.38.”

“A return on that one, then.”

“Coming back when?”

Joe tried to calculate. “What time does it get in?”

“15.47.”

Joe couldn’t work out how long it might take him to get answers to fill in the blanks in his memory. “What time’s the last train back today?”

The woman tapped keys on her computer. “Last direct train is 20.17, gets in at 00.21.”

“Coming back today then.”

“Same day return.”

More tapping on the computer, and then, “£59.50, please.”

Joe handed over his credit card. He signed the tiny slip of paper the same size as the ticket and received the two orange pieces of card.

He checked his watch. It was now past 12. He had half an hour to kill. He wished he had brought a book. Wandering around the concourse, he saw WHSmith. He bought a paper and food for the journey. He realised that he was thirsty and bought two large bottles of water. He drank one straight down as soon as he left the shop.

Pigeons were flying around the small food area, scavenging dropped food like the feathered rats they were. He walked back towards the ticket office, looking for somewhere to sit.

Tucked away at the back of the concourse, opposite the ticket hall, he found a set of standard metal benches. He sat beside a large black woman, who was humming to herself, and pretended to read his paper.

Inside his head, Joe was recapping what he had learnt so far this morning. The woman’s humming wove in and out through his thoughts. He knew his name already. He had learnt what he was currently doing with his life. He knew, sort of, why he had been in Manchester, and for how long. But of all the things he had learnt about himself, he couldn’t really remember any of them. The facts sat in his head as though they belonged to someone else. They could have been about anyone. He might have found them in the newspaper that sat unread in his hands.

The woman stopped humming and got up abruptly from the bench. She walked out of the concourse through the automatic doors nearby.

Joe watched her go, wondering why she had been sitting there if she wasn’t going to catch a train. He looked around him, the narrow section of the station he was sitting in. It wasn’t his idea of a day out.

The bottle of water he had drunk was making its presence known in his system, and he decided to use the toilet before getting onboard the train.

As he washed his hands, he realised that he hadn’t showered or even changed his clothes before leaving the house. He hadn’t looked at himself in a mirror, hadn’t shaved, cleaned his teeth, anything. He wondered what he looked like, whether he looked okay, or whether he looked like a down and out.

He realised that he couldn’t actually remember what he looked like. He pulled his wallet from his pocket and searched through it for some kind of photo id. There was nothing in there to show who he was other than credit cards. No driver’s licence, no student card.

Somewhere in his memory, Joe felt that he should have had at least one of those items. Something that confirmed visually that he was who he said he was.

He had been in Manchester for two days. He couldn’t remember where he had stayed or who with. The lack of picture evidence and the way he couldn’t remember what he looked like had caused Joe to suddenly doubt that he was Joe Benson, as his mind was telling him.

His signature had matched the one that was on his credit card. At least, he thought that it had. He now couldn’t remember whether the teller had checked his signature against the card.

Going back to ask would make him look foolish. He checked his watch and saw that it was almost time to board the train. He realised, also, that he had been standing in the gents’ for longer than was necessary. Not knowing what he currently looked like, Joe hurriedly left the toilets in fear that he would be taken for a pervert.

Back in the concourse, Joe checked the departure board. The train was at platform 15. He hurried to the gate and showed his ticket. The guard waved him through and he boarded the train.

He found an unreserved seat and settled in. He suddenly realised that he had left his bag of food somewhere on the station at the same moment that he realised he was thirsty again. Somewhere inside him, Joe knew that it wasn’t normal to be so thirsty so soon after having drunk a litre of water.

The word diabetic flashed into his head. He wondered if he was diabetic. How would he know without going into a coma? Did you even fall into a coma when you were diabetic?

Joe thought more calmly, slowing his racing mind, reducing the panic that threatened to build. He told himself that, if he were a diabetic, it would be something that he remembered. Just as he had remembered the names of his parents and his sisters.

A staff member walked past his seat.

“Excuse me,” he called. The man returned. “What time will the onboard shop be open?”

“About ten minutes after we leave the station, sir,” the man replied.

“Thank you,” Joe said.

The man continued up the train, removing reservation slips from the seats.

Removing his jacket and leaving it on his seat as a marker, Joe decided to go to the toilet. He knew instinctively that you weren’t supposed to drink the water from onboard toilets, but he had to do something about his thirst.

He pushed the button to release the door and, once inside, pushed a second button to close and lock it. Turning from the door, he found that he faced a full length mirror. He looked at his reflection. He was there. That was something. He wasn’t a figment of his own imagination or a vampire. It disturbed him to find that he didn’t recognise himself. It was as though he was looking at a stranger; as though his reflection in the mirror was another person standing opposite him.

Joe raised a hand to his tousled hair, trying to straighten it out slightly. His hair was curly, though, and wouldn’t be made straight. He rubbed the same hand over his stubbly chin. His bristles were black, like his hair. His eyes were a fierce blue, and slightly bloodshot. He looked, in all frankness, as though he had been out on the piss all night.

Staring at himself wasn’t getting him anywhere. It didn’t matter how long he looked at his reflection, he still didn’t recognise himself.

He turned from the mirror and crossed to the small hand basin. Pushing the button for water, he cupped one hand and drank the liquid he caught there. It tasted fine, and he tried not to think that it wasn’t running water; that it had probably been stagnating inside a plastic tube for a while.

His thirst slaked, he returned to his seat. A woman was sitting there. She had moved his jacket to the aisle seat and positioned herself by the window. Joe stood there for a moment, wondering whether to say anything to her. She looked up at him and smiled, then looked away again.

On the fold down table, she had a large bottle of water, a newspaper and the same crisps and snacks that he had bought at the station. Joe frowned and picked up his jacket from the seat beside her. He stowed it on the overhead baggage shelf. While he was standing, arms raised to push the jacket firmly onto the shelf, he looked down the carriage. All the window seats were taken; there was no point moving somewhere else. He looked down at the top of the woman’s head, bowed as it was over the newspaper.

“Excuse me,” he said. She looked up at him, smiling again. She was pretty. “I wonder if I could have some of your water?”

She looked at the bottle, then back up at him. “Sure,” she said. “It’s too big for me.”

She was American. Joe sat in the seat beside her and she passed the water to him.

“You look clean,” she joked.

Joe smiled politely, and drank from the bottle. It tasted better than the water in the toilet.

“Dehydrated?” the woman asked, an understanding look on her face.

“Just a bit,” said Joe. He handed the bottle back to her. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” she replied, and returned to reading the newspaper.

“I bought a newspaper earlier,” Joe said. The woman smiled but didn’t look at him. “I lost it somewhere on the station,” he continued. “I had crisps and snacks, and a big bottle of water, as well.”

The woman carried on reading, smiling gently, nodding her head as though she were listening. Joe looked at her. She seemed familiar now that he had looked at her for long enough. He wondered if that was because he had now looked at her for long enough, somehow allowing her features to become a false memory.

“Do I know you?” he said.

She looked up at him briefly. “I don’t think so,” she replied.

Joe decided to stop talking. The train started to move, and he tried to relax.

He didn’t get chance to visit the onboard shop. He opened his eyes as someone beside him repeatedly said “Excuse me, we’re here.”

He had slept for the entire journey. The woman was waiting to get past him so that she could leave the train and continue her journey or her day or whatever it was that this arrival was the start of for her.

Joe shook himself awake and stood up to let her pass. He reached down his jacket and made his own way off the train, following in the wake of other passengers long gone.

He checked his watch. It was almost 4. He looked around him to see if he could find a map, or somewhere to obtain directions to the museum he had visited only days ago. There was nothing. Transport Police were patrolling the station in bullet-proof vests and shirt sleeves. It was a fine, warm day up in Manchester. April was being kind to the north.

Joe approached a police woman. She gave him directions from the station to the tram and told him which stop he needed to get off at. He thanked her and found himself wanting to ask her if she knew who he was or what might have happened to him on his last, very recent, trip up here.

Nothing was coming back to him. He didn’t know what he had hoped for. Some sort of epiphany, maybe, as he stepped from the train into this city that was a stranger to him.

The tram journey was strangely jerky. The seats were narrow and uncomfortable, and the tram snaked its way through the city centre. He disembarked at the stop the police officer had told him was his destination.

There were signs to the museum and, five minutes later, he was at its door. He didn’t recognise any of the scenery on his walk from the tram stop. He thought that he should at least have had some kind of recall triggered by his journey. He had only been here a matter of days before.

He entered the museum and was directed down to the study centre. He emerged from the lift and the man on the information desk asked him if he could help.

“I’m looking for Ms O’Deigh,” he said. “I don’t expect that she works on a Saturday.”

“You’re in luck,” the man responded. “She is in today. Just through those doors there.” He pointed to a set of glass doors directly behind Joe.

Joe thanked him and walked over to the doors. He pulled one open and entered the room.

At the desk was the same woman he had been sitting next to on the train.

“Hello,” she said, slightly surprised.

“I knew that I recognised you!” Joe exclaimed, his face lighting up.

“No,” she said slowly. “We’ve never met before.”

”But you’re Ms O’Deigh?” Joe said.

“Yes, that’s me.”

“I’m Joe Benson,” he told her, smiling broadly.

“Really,” she replied, “I don’t know you.”

“But I was here two days ago. You met me and gave me a tour.”

“I’ve been in London all week,” she said, frowning. “You just saw me on the train back.” She moved quickly from behind the desk, and was suddenly holding him firmly by the arm, moving him towards a chair. “Are you okay,” she was saying. “You’ve gone awfully pale. Here, sit down a minute.”

Joe sank gratefully onto the chair.

“Can I get you some water?” she asked him. He nodded.

She returned with a plastic cup of chilled water, and he drank.

“I’m so thirsty,” he said. He felt confused. His eyes began to fill with tears. The woman took hold of one of his hands. Her hand felt cool and smooth against his. He blinked at her. “I can’t remember who I am,” he said.

“But you just told me your name,” she replied gently.

“I know,” Joe responded, his voice faltering. “That’s who I think I am. Here,” he rummaged in his jacket pocket, then remembered that he had left the original ticket that proved he had been to Manchester earlier that week on the kitchen table. “Oh,” he said. “I left it at home.”

“Left what?” the woman asked.

“The ticket that proved I’d been in Manchester this week.”

“Wait here a minute,” O’Deigh said, and left the room.

She returned with the man from the information desk. “This is Lee,” she said. “He works here all the time.” She turned to him. “Lee,” she said, “has this man been in here this week?”

“I don’t recognise him,” Lee said, shrugging apologetically. He backed his shrug up with a “Sorry.”

“Thanks, Lee,” O’Deigh said.

She sat back down alongside him.

“What’s your name?” he asked her.

“O’Deigh,” she said.

“No, I mean your first name.”

“My first name is ridiculous. You can call me O’Deigh.”

Joe fell silent again.

“What day do you think you were in here?”

“I don’t know. Wednesday, maybe. Or Thursday.”

“Well, we’re not open to the public on a Wednesday. If you were here and you met someone, that might explain why Lee doesn’t remember you.” She paused, thinking. “And you believe that you met me, although I wasn’t here on Wednesday.” She looked at him. “Why did you come here on Wednesday?”

“I’m an architecture student. I’m doing my PhD on converted industrial buildings. I’d come to have a look around. You were supposed to give me a tour. We’d emailed early in the week, setting it up. I have all the emails on my computer at home.”

He stopped speaking and looked at the empty plastic cup he was holding in his hands.

“You want more water?” O’Deigh asked him.

“Please.”

She took the cup from him and left the room again. She was gone for a while. Eventually she came back with the water and said, “Lee’s gone to get you coffee with sugar.”

She sat down, then spoke again.

I can check back through my emails, if you like, see if there’s anything there from you.”

Joe brightened and looked up at her. “Would you?” he said, eagerly. “I’d appreciate it.”

She stood up and crossed the room to her desk. He watched the back of her as she opened up emails and read through their contents. She turned to look at him.

“No,” she said. “Nothing.”

Joe nodded despondently.

“I’m sorry,” she said, coming back to sit with him again. She patted his hand.

Lee came into the room with a cardboard cup full of steaming coffee.

“Here you go,” he said to O’Deigh. “I put three sugars in, as you suggested.”

“Thanks, Lee,” she said, taking the cup from him. She put it down on the table at Joe’s elbow. “Sugar’s supposed to be good for shock,” she said.

Lee had left the room again.

“I don’t understand this,” said Joe.

“Of course you don’t,” she said. “It’s all very mysterious.” She looked at him. “Is there anyone else that you know you visited while you were up here?” she asked.

Joe shook his head. “I don’t remember,” he said. “The receipt for my tickets said that I travelled up on Wednesday. The return portion that I found in my pocket said I’d gone back to London on Friday. Yesterday.”

“Well,” she said, standing up and pacing around the room, “were there any other emails saying where else you might have gone?”

Joe looked sheepish. “I didn’t check,” he said.

“Drink you coffee,” she told him. He obeyed. She crossed to the phone. “I just have to make a phone call,” she told him.

Joe was feeling drowsy. He turned in the chair and rested his head on top of his arms, against the table top.

As he dropped off, he heard O’Deigh say to whoever was on the other end of the phone, “He’s come back. I’ve doped him again. I told you that this one would be trouble.”

Joe woke up in a small dark room. As he stirred and tried to sit up, someone clicked on a lamp. Joe looked towards the light source and saw a man, vaguely familiar, sitting on an orange plastic chair beside a table.

“Ben, Ben, Ben,” he said wearily.

“My name’s not Ben,” said Joe.

“Of course not, Ben. Of course not.”

The man was small but round, like a barrel. His hair was close cropped and his head looked like a bullet. His eyes, as much as Joe could see them, were small and deep set. He tried to mask his Mancunian accent with overtones of Received Pronunciation.

Joe knew that, if he could only get his head to stop buzzing and his muscles to work, he could take him. He tried to sit up.

“I wouldn’t do that, Ben,” the man said. “We’ve given you a muscle relaxant. You won’t be able to move around very easily.”

“Where am I?” Joe asked, lying back down on the camp bed he found himself on.

“You’re still in the museum, Ben. You shouldn’t have come back.” The man paused to light a cigarette. “Excuse me,” he said. “I only smoke when I’m working. It’s an old habit.” He inhaled from the cigarette and blew out smoke.

“I’ll admit, Ben, that O’Deigh fucked up. She didn’t do a very complete job of reprogramming you. She didn’t, how shall we say, populate your memory banks very effectively.” He paused again and eyed Joe shrewdly. “I must say, though, she did very well on your appearance. You look just like Joe Benson.”

“I am Joe Benson,” Joe said.

“Yes, yes. You’re Joe Benson, Ben. Son of Mark and Hilary Benson. Your sisters are called Hannah and Laura. Hannah lives in Kent and Laura has moved to Newcastle with her husband James. Your best friend is Paul, and you’re in your second year of a PhD at Westminster University, studying the use of converted buildings in modern architecture.” He took another drag on the cigarette. “We know all that, Ben. We implanted those memories.”

“I don’t understand.”

“No, well, understanding isn’t something that’s part of your system, Ben. Although, I am impressed that you’re making an effort to employ it.”

“You talk as though I’m an android, or something.”

“Not an android, Ben. A replicant. You’re human, but we’ve modified you slightly.”

A door opened behind the man and O’Deigh entered the room.

“Hello, Ben,” she said. She handed something to the man, and then left again.

“Now, Ben,” the man said, leaning forward in his chair. “We’re going to try to fix the problem, but we need your co-operation. We need you to let go of the last vestiges of Ben that we haven’t managed to completely clear so that we can put the rest of Joe back in there. We need you, Ben.” He sat back in the chair. “We need you to write Joe’s report that says nothing untoward is going on here.”

Joe remained silent. He realised that he didn’t have much choice but to comply. He didn’t understand what was going on, and without that understanding he couldn’t work out how to fight back. He nodded.

“Good lad,” the man said. He stood up and took something from his pocket. It was a penlight, similar to something a doctor or an optician would use to check a patient’s eyes. He walked towards Joe and shone the light into his eyes.

From behind him, Joe felt someone push a needle into his neck. The light from the torch narrowed to a single point of brilliance, and then blackness descended.

© J R Hargreaves, April 2007